The Valhalla Cup 2002

THE VALHALLA CUP 2002 REPORT

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This years proud VC winner is an old star who was fast disappearing off the sharp edge of golfs oft cruel horizon - only to tack back against the prevailing current of his decrepit form to chart a comeback course with the determination and certainty of a old Viking sea dog with a foreign destination to sack.

Watch out Sharky ... stand aside Seve ... piss off Faldo ...
Jake (The Snake) Jacobsen is back!!!

Typically the 'more mature' player relies on a blend of expertise, cunning and persistence that younger players might (quite correctly) dismiss as dumb luck. But there's much to be admired in the way the older players such as Bill the Burglar, Two-Up Thomo and Jake the Snake began their Valhalla cup campaign in the Ribena Woods Pro-Am played on Valhalla Cup Eve.

Two-Up (favorite position - not game) threw in a truly appalling performance around the Ribena greens in the hope of getting a generous VC handicap. TUT also closely interogated his playing partners about the famous (but sadly never enacted) VC Rule regarding a generous 5 shot addition to your handicap should you get laid on the VC weekend (amateur event only - no professionals allowed!!!)

TUT's growing confidence of gaining a certain 5 shots by nailing a boiler at the GaG Club that night was matched only by BTB's continued insistence that, even as a bonofide burgalar, he was still carrying way too big a handicap - it was hard to look at Billy (and his game) and not agree.

In spite all this psycological and verbal gamesmanship - the spectacular venue of Ribena Woods delivered a day of fabulous weather, average play, constant cliches and bonhomie that all seemed to portend a perfect playing conditions for the Valhalla Cup.

No one could guess at the treacerous consitions awaiting the crew at Hope Island the next day. Perhaps it was the portents from the boys performance at the GaG Club that night that we should have been taking notice off?

So after a fine days golf at Ribena most of the next days field assembled that night for a few drinks before going off in search of an easy 5 strokes. The field that night consisted of

Bou Baddeley (Reigning 2001 VC Champion) The Sincinnati Kid Crazyman Bruce Brabham Jones Two Up Thommo Billy The (Inseminating) Burglar King Brian Boru Scott Bigger, Harder, Longer, Faster, Drunker Osborne. Vice President Porker Bignoze Jake The Snake PantsDown ManPower (soon to become Jumping Jai PDMP) Shaun 'Make My Day' CitiStreet

It was with great surprise that not one player actually claimed the 5 strokes the next day. Certainly there were mixed reports about various encounters at various nightclubs - at the GaG Club in particular TUT was making so many hand offs to the VP that no one could believe the VP dropped the ball every single time. And why didn't TUT just run the ball once himself??? Or did he feel outpaced by the grannies left right and center???

These and many other questions were asked of all the competitors as we drove with dry mouths and forked tongues to Hope Island next day. Late mail seemed to suggest that handicaps were up for last minute alterations - even so - accusations of undisclosed jiggery, monetary exchanges with women holding pension cards and the ethics of chasing ladies in zimmer frames all came to nothing as the field gathered themselves for the start.

An ominous zephyr caressed young Bou Baddeleys opening shot - as sweet a swing as ever was swung - drilling an iron down the center under an overcast sky - jealous gasps escaped two or three of the competitors as they recognised the enormitiy of wresting the Valhalla Cup from this raw, talented young scion of the golf world.

And so begun a classic golf tournament where not only the skills and nouse of the contestants was tested - but also the mettle of the contestants - as the golfing gods drilled down a constant rain - blustery winds whipping bullwhips of ice water around players who had swallowed all the hype of the Queensland tourist bureau and ventured north with nary a thought of having to contend with rain and cold.

Young Mr Baddeley rightly surmised that the most likely outcome was a case of pneumomia - and so retired to the clubhouse after only 9 holes in the hope that the clubs artic air conditioning would double the pneumonc onset and so end his misery. He was joined by a few hapless, purse carrying, wannabe water buffaloes who, as soon as the going got tough, got stopped.

And so we come to the crux of this years contest as the remaining players, with more balls and bravado than common sense, completed the contest under atrocious conditions.

The Sincinnati Kid abandoned the usual flashy, speculative nature of his life game and hunkered down to a dour round of conservative, accurate percentage shots that rifled down the center of now treacherously water logged fairways. It was a fine display of uncommon sense and tenacity in a young player only recently introduced to golf played at the highest level.

Nearly all the other competitors fell away - with only the canny consistency of Jake the Snake and the occasional heavy scoring of Crazyman threatening to grab the lead from young Sincinnati. Most competitors were just very pleased to be able to return to the warmth, shelter and beer of the clubhouse - their spirits sorely tested but unbroken by the dreadful playing conditions.

Meanwhile a quietly confident Sincinnati was already in the clubhouse replacing his spent energies by swimming deep in the warming currents of the golden river that underpins every Valhalla Cup. He was already setting sail on a calm sea of loving, liquid bronze, a strong early score firmly behind him as he coursed inexorably towards a near horizon of golfing immortality!!!

Only the cruelest and dumbest of luck could deny The Kid victory in the 2002 Valhalla Cup.

But first a word from our sponsor!!!

DavroSports (proudly associated with BigNoZe Enterprises) is an anarchic, sometimes philanthropic organisation devoted (sometimes) to the overthrow of cruelty, piracy, injustice, bad manners and the wearing of cranky-pants. The Valhalla Cup is just one of many DavroSports sponsored initiatives aimed at under mining the terminal seriousness that seems to be openly embraced by private, public and community organisations and especially endlessly promoted by modern sports media. Like ... who gives a rats ???

And now back to the Cup.

The Valhalla Cup rules clearly state that the true spirit of golf must be celebrated by incorporating extra elements of that most valuable weapon in any golfers armoury - dumb luck. To this end a random 9 out of the 18 Valhalla Cup holes were tallied to determine a winner. The reigning champion drew the required 9 holes from a DavroSports Hat - final scores were then tabulated and ratified by Warwick Capper who just so happened to be drunking at the bar.

In an amazing turn around that nobody but a handful of Indian bookmakers (with Warwicks mobile phone number) could have predicted, the Sincinnati Kid was relegated to 2nd place and Jake the Snake bolted into 1st place - a turnaround of 4 stokes.

A gracious loser, The Kid congratulated Jake - old golfing heads nodded sagely at the apparent ascendancy of age, treachery and cunning over youth, effort and talent. The Kid consoled himself by ringing up a of bevy of attractive young girls to help him overcome the pain of losing - - old golfing heads nodded sadly as youth so easily regained ascendancy over age.

But of course the real winner at that magic moment was golf!!!

Jake was so elated by his first victory in the Valhalla Cup that he immediately led the entire Valhalla Cup crew to Players night club and offered to be shouted by the lot of them. As Valhalla Cup tradition demands - Jake performed the victory waltz with with the exotic, sophisticated and alluring Paris.

At this point the Valhalla Cup crew prefers to adhere to that old axiom - what goes on tour - stays on tour!!! But that night was to change some of the players lives forever ... for example PantsDown ManPower is now known by by one name and one name only - Jumping Jai PantsDown ManPower (or simply J to his girls!!!)

The ritualistic burning of meat, consumption of mead and presentation ceremony and was held next day amidst a sporting gala that included surfing, basketball, tennis and cricket. Everyone was a winner that day.

And so the Valhalla Cup 2002 was won.

A true to life allegory of the old versus the bold?

A bitter sweet fable of the capricious nature of the Golfing Gods?

A trifling tattle of a pernicious system that favours dumb luck over enterprise and effort?

A sharp rebuke to the youth epoch so brashly announced by Bou Baddeley just one year before?

A precedented opportunity to engage in unsolicited character assassination?

A celebration of some of the best and worst things that grown men are not capable of?

A timely reminder that golf doesn't have to be a load of boring old shit? (Take note Tiger!!!)

The Valhalla Cup 2002 was all of these and more.

Make sure you join the team for the next Valhalla Cup for your chance at golfing immortality.

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